Live Consciously

I am on a quest to discover how to be in a relationship.

What do I need to do in order to be, want, and discover a relationship?

Somewhere along the line I had stumbled.

I have been single for over a year, and had wanted some way to be in intimate relationships, but didn’t have a proper model, nor the self confidence to do so.

It left me with less than more.

There must be some way? Some way to connect with confidence? In a healthy manner.

Rather than hodgepodge, flighty hope.

Tools. I needed tools. Techniques, methods. So I could ensure, or promote, some health and wealth in my life.

I had found something a little different than I had expected.

Techniques of Suffering

If I had really wanted relationships as I professed, change would be made. Insisted upon that, but what changes would be best? I felt without a compass.

I needed something concrete, direct and applicable NOW.

Not tomorrow, or with 20 sessions of therapy. No way.

Here, now immediate! If not sooner!

Road Less Traveled

I felt I was breaking new territory. Within myself, by at least admitting my lack of success. That should have been enough.

It wasn’t.

Then provide for me the way.

An MD described it.

Prescribed it.

1. Scott Pleck.

“…experiencing the pain of problems constructively that I call discipline? There are four: delaying gratification, acceptance of responsibility, dedication to truth, and balancing.…”

No way.

Constructive pain management.

Confronting pain rather than avoiding it.

I had heard it before, zen monks may do this as a technique.

A way of dealing with trauma?

“To the contrary, they are simple tools, and almost all children are adept in their use by the age of ten. Yet presidents and kings will forget to use them, to their own downfall.”

I felt it then.

He was right.

An adult right. No removal of responsibility, denial of impact and purpose.

“For they are the tools with which pain is confronted rather than avoided, and if one seeks to avoid legitimate suffering, then one will avoid the use of these tools.”

Confronting pain. I didn’t like the sound of this. I had built my life around avoiding pain so this must not be right. Something along the way went terribly wrong. Somewhere.

I didn’t like this new found wisdom. It empowered choice and responsibility. Me. In short, gave me back what I had needed to choose this path. Simple, applicable methods of confronting relationships. And life.

“…examine the will to use them, which is love.”

The will to use these tools is love. What a way about it!

Love, the will to use these simple methods, to confront pain instead of avoiding it to bring joy into your life and in your relationships. A manual.

The whole text.

“What are these tools, these techniques of suffering, these means of experiencing the pain of problems constructively that I call discipline? There are four: delaying gratification, acceptance of responsibility, dedication to truth, and balancing. As will be evident, these are not complex tools whose application demands extensive training. To the contrary, they are simple tools, and almost all children are adept in their use by the age of ten. Yet presidents and kings will forget to use them, to their own downfall. The problem lies not in the complexity of these tools but in the will to use them. For they are the tools with which pain is confronted rather than avoided, and if one seeks to avoid legitimate suffering, then one will avoid the use of these tools. Therefore, after analyzing each of these tools, we shall in the next section examine the will to use them, which is love.”

-(from The Road Less Travelled, by M. Scott Peck, MD)

It became suddenly clear.

Late evening, I was turning pages in an article looking for some guidance on my newly discovered life choice, of becoming polyamorous. While reading one of the excerpts, I found a quote that struck me. It made sense, it was so simple in design. So perfect in its description that I wondered why I hadn’t heard of it before.

“Safe People”

I read the definition a few times, scratched my head and read it again.

Safe people.

Well what does that mean exactly? What is a safe person? Someone I could just run to and feel safe around when I needed to be comforted?

I scanned further, intending to discover the full meaning of these two joined words.

Safe People: People who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self.

“That’s nice.” I thought. Really nice.

What a great idea, I wish I had thought of it before. Or heard it or got it. Would have saved me some grief.

Safe people.

“What are these people? And where can I find them?” I thought, without realizing that I had copied and pasted this phrase into my gmail so I may have it forever.

I had struck gold.

If there were a more perfect definition of who I wanted in my life, it would be this. Laid right in front of me.

Naturally, I had my doubts. “How could I attract these people into my life?” I thought. Then wondered about the people who were in my life right now. Oh, boy.

I don’t like firing people from my life, but sometimes it seems it might be necessary. They weren’t safe people.

“What if they could become safe people?”

“Am I a safe person?”

My heart sunk.

Not to everyone. And no, not everyone could.

Sometimes it is so hard to be so honest to yourself, but I felt a bit better after I did. Took some inventory, laid out a plan.

“I’ll get to it tomorrow…” I said.

What could I do?

First things first. What is polyamoric or more appropriately, polyamory?

Polyamory literally means “multi-loves” but the concept includes a variety of relationship practices. This can include multiple partners, triads, communities, and many different expressions of love and sex.

To put it simply, it means honest and responsible non-monogamy.

But how does one arrive at this state of honesty and responsibility? How do you attract people into your life with the same qualities?

There are several guideposts that may lead to successful poly-relationships.

1) Honesty. Probably the most important function of a relationship with anyone. Love, trust, and closeness is all built upon honesty. Its an essential and necessary skill to develop and cultivate in all aspects of your life. So take some inventory, and speak what’s on your mind. The people that love you will love you even more for it.

2) Develop Self-Knowledge. The best way to know others is to know yourself. What do you want? Do you know yourself well enough to be completely honest? Enough to dissolve the years of falsehood and ingrained conditioning? The primary step in any relationship is to honestly state what you want. You know what you want, just come out with it. Say it clearly, and people will respond, yourself included.

3) Take Responsibility. Taking responsibility for everything in your life is not only empowering, but also empowers your relationships. People can entrust you and you entrust yourself. You begin to take ownership your emotions and thoughts. You consciously direct the experiences in life that you want to have. Pretty powerful stuff, just by taking some initiative in your life.

4) Share in the needs of Others. Become a team. Work to mutually fulfill the needs of the loves in your life. The mutual closeness that is developed is what gives relationships such pleasure. Become a team player, and you’ll find that its a joy to give and receive.

5) Encourage Intimacy. Empower others in your life to pursue intimacy with other people. Deepen the intimacy that you have in your life by finding new ways to connect. Explore the areas you have in common. Put love first. Open yourself up to your fears. Recognize them and explore and release them with the people you love and trust. Find ways to uproot the limiting beliefs in your life, and find empowerment in honest, open living. Honor your feelings, and express them and your love without restraint.

6) Communicate. Communication is 100% essential in poly-relationships. With more than one person involved, emphasis on communication becomes an integral part of negotiating and relating to the loves in your life.

7) Decide on a Sexual Plan. With each love, decide and commit to a sexual plan. Part of responsible non-monogamy is remaining faithful to your agreements and decisions with your loves. This of course comes with trust, but remaining congruent with your plan ensures everyone’s safety and allows for your connections to grow.

With these guideposts, you can strengthen and develop your relationships in your life, whether they are polyamorous, monogamous, or other equally loving relationships.

May you have continued blessings and richness in your lives.

Namaste

Ever wonder what it takes to be a good friend? I mean a really good friend, someone who people adore and love to be around?

Its easy to put into practice a few simple ways that will help move you to the top of your friends’ speed dial list.

1) Find Common Interests. Finding common interests is a great way to make new friends, and deepen existing relationships. We all love people like ourselves and like it when people like the things we do. Can you learn how to play Halo 2? Shoot some pool? Or learn to hike? I bet you have friends right now that love at least one of those activities.

2) Do Things Together. I recently got together with a friend to write a song. Now granted we are both amateur lyricists and arrangers, but we had so much fun trying! We were laughing hysterically the whole time trying to hammer out lyrics and a melody, and we couldn’t agree on a single thing. But we take that experience with us next time when we spend time together.

3) Learn to Talk With. This is a skill that can help anyone in almost any aspect of life. Learning to talk with people is essential. Develop the ability to engage people, whether it be with your attention, questions, or actively participating in a conversation. We all love it when someone engages us in a subject we really love to talk about. So do your friends a favor and talk with them about the things they love!

4) Ease Up on That Negativity! While we all like to bitch every now and then, don’t waste your friend’s time and energy by complaining too much. They probably don’t have enough time or energy as it is, so don’t waste anymore by complaining. Take care of your problems, ask for advice when you need it, then take action.

5) Have Fun. Have fun! Go out there and have fun with your friends. They will love being around you and will want to be around you even more if you can have fun doing what you are doing with them. Find something you enjoy in any activity you do with them, whether it be conversation or simply enjoying their company.

6) Be Easy Going When it Comes to Making the Decisions. It is ok to call some of the shots in any relationship, but more often then not go with the flow. Or at least make a suggestion for something you want to do and then also do something that your friend wants to do. That way its a win-win situation and everyone is happy with the result.

7) Pay For Activities Every Now and Then. Everyone loves to be treated every once in a while. Be generous. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, it could be as simple as renting a movie they would like to watch. Or taking them out to dinner. They will respond by being generous in return.

Be Available for the Times When They Need You. While you may want to have fun with your friends, there will be times that they need your support. Recognize these few times, and become supportive. Talk to them, comfort them when they may need it. By just being available sometimes, you make a world of a difference to the special people in your life.

9) Keep up with Correspondence. Keep up with your friends. Stay in their lives. Check up with them via email or telephone call or txt. Just let them know you were thinking about them and wanted to see how they were doing.

10) Cherish Your Friends. Let them know that you care about them, and that you’re glad that they are in your life. Let them know how much you love them and care about them, ever now and then. They will appreciate you for it.

Namaste